Triggered

Hey friends, it's been a while. I hope you all have been well and seeking God more in your daily lives. Today I want to be vulnerable. I want you to see that I seek God daily and I there are still days that I struggle. Heck, I fail him every single day. Today I had a dear friend of mine message me and say "I don't know how you found it in you to forgive your husband and move on." I hope she's okay that I am sharing this with you all. 

I told her that the more I sought God and just chased after him, more like sprinted. I emerged myself into his arms because I knew I couldn't do it on my own. How could I forgive a man that was unfaithful to me. Not just physically, but through words and actions also. I mean, how? After we got married, my eyes have been only for him. After we had kids, my eyes were only for us. So how could God allow this to happen? How could I forgive him through my own strength? Impossible. 

BUT WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. 

So, I emerged myself in his love and the forgiveness came naturally. I didn't feel the need to check his phone, I didn't feel the need to question his every move. Because my focus was no longer on him and his failures. My focus was on God. My husband says that he played a part in my healing, and sure that may be somewhat true. But his part was more of breaking a cycle that was going to break our marriage. He might get a little bit of credit for the way he changed, but God gets all the credit for my heart being healed, marriage restored, and forgiveness happening. 

But I want you to know something. The memories don't go away. We have had a good marriage for the last two years and still counting. A few weeks ago, while at the gym, I ran into a person of his past. I tried my best to shake it off. I told myself "We're fine, this is in the past. God I know you have restored us and there's nothing here to even think about" And then BOOM. I couldn't continue my workout. In the middle of a set, sweaty, trying to refocus, my mind was going through a whole flashback and I am practically in tears. I walked out and sat in my car, crying. My whole body filled with emotions, something that has never happened to me. "Why am I even crying? This doesn't make sense. This happened years ago. Val, stop youre being dramatic" Fast forward, my husband has now began his wellness journey and started the gym... can you guess what my thoughts have been these past days? "Why is he taking so long?" 

I share this with you because ladies, we're human. We are emotional creatures, we all hold memories of our pasts. Yes I have forgiven my husband, and I trust him. Do you want to know why? It's not because of his cleaned-up self, it's because I trust in God Almighty. As I type this out in tears I stand firm that I have built my house on his rock. No wind, no rain will destroy my house again because God himself will protect our home. My identity, my focus, is no longer being consumed by my anxious thoughts. I won't allow it. Only you have the power to change the focus, to let go and allow God to do the work. Emerge yourself in his love, in his word, in his presence. Don't be scared to open up your bible, don't allow intimidation become the reason you don't get to know him. There are countless resources today that can help you with reading the Bible. Or if you need more guidance reach out to me and I will gladly help you. Remember that our identity, My identity comes from him. I know that I am loved, I know that I am worthy, I am strong, and I am everything God says that I am.  I am very flawed as we all are, but one thing I am not is my anxiety, my fear, my doubts because those thoughts can only come from the enemy and our natural human flesh. 

My husband is a man of God and for that I am thankful. He knows what's right from wrong. He's a grown man, and I have to trust that he will always make the correct decision for him and his family. If by chance he doesn't, it's Gods hand on him. Not mine. Because you know why? We cannot control what our husbands do or anyone. We can't. We can only control US. Our actions, our reactions, our words, and yes - even our thoughts. YOU can choose what to focus on and who you choose to believe in. Will you trust in God? Allow him to be near you and comfort you, strengthen you, bring peace over you and remind you that you are deeply loved. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9