Free me from my thoughts

March 4, 2021 - "Take away my negative thoughts"

March 5, 2021 - "Free me from my thoughts, they consume me"

March 12, 2021 - "Please bring me peace. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to love and trust my husband. I know you know my thoughts and yesterday was a bad day Lord. I give you all control."

These are just a few of my prayers that I wrote out when I was at my lowest. As you can tell from the few words, it was not easy. I have never shared these prayers, let alone go back to read them often because I am reminded of the pain. But now, I am reminded of his grace. 

We officially moved and we're living in this very small town. We both agreed to attempt to not bring any negativity into this new home and leave everything behind. Easier said than done right. When one is put into a situation where trust is neglected it is so easy to have walls up to avoid getting hurt again. I was trying my best, and it wasn't long before I was trying to log onto his accounts, and messages. Of course he found out, we argued, and you know how the rest goes. 

I kept telling myself that they were habits that I had developed from our past. I couldn't just sit there and wait to be hurt again, I had to be a step ahead. So was it a habit, or was I attempting to be in control? That was when I realized that I couldn't do this alone. This was something that had to be fixed in me. Not through my husband but through my healing alone. I said it was a "me problem"

I am sure you are thinking, how is it a you problem if he was the one that caused all this pain and hurt? I thought the same, but just like me, he was also flawed and needed trimming. God brought us here for a reason, and my husband obviously regretted his past decisions and also had to learn to break his old habits. We had so much growing to do, so much healing, and we were practically starting from zero. 

The day that I decided to give everything to God was the day that I will never forget. When we first got married I always thought that he would be the spiritual head of our home, I mean he was raised in a Christ-centered home. But surely once you get married you start to see someone for who they really are and it almost seemed like I had no idea who I married. I started to become that spiritual head for our family because at this point we needed it, I needed it or else I was going to break.

I took every chance I could. Whether that was listening to worship music, listening to a sermon while cooking or cleaning, and I would sit and write out my prayers when I could. I slowly started to open up my bible and just read. I had no idea what I was doing, all I knew was that I wanted God right smack in the middle of this mess so that we could be redeemed. I took every possible chance to get to know who God was. As you can also see in my prayers above is that I was so vulnerable, I was so honest with God about what I was feeling, when I was angry, sad, happy, everything. He was my best friend because no one, not my own family, or friends knew of what was happening.

I'd love to hear your feedback and what you'd like to hear next. I can share what I would do during my days more in depth, or I can talk about our relationship while taking this leap of faith with God. Or if you want a different topic write them down below in the comments. In the mean time follow me on Instagram @valeriapri_ or leave your Instagram handle below so that I can give you a follow and we can connect. Can't wait to chat more! 

Thank you for reading. 

Always, Val.