I Deserve Better

 The moment I knew I couldn't take it anymore. It was four years of being married to my husband, which I thought were supposed to be the most wonderful years. I thought it would be filled with so much joy, love, and excitement, but of course nothing good comes without some storms.. 

My walls were up, there was no trust, and fear just crawling all over me. I felt like I was always looking over my shoulders to protect myself from getting hurt. I always wanted to be a step ahead of him by checking his phone every chance I got. I would observe his every move, his mood, how he kissed me, literally every-thing...

 I remember praying and praying, "God give me strength" "God change him"... and what came next? Definitely not answered prayers. At the time I was pregnant with my son and I remember so vividly sitting on the couch with my daughter with this feeling I couldn't shake once again. Sure enough, I grab his phone while he is sleeping and I was right. This was my last straw. I couldn't anymore, there was no way. I deserved better. Morning came, I made sure to wake up before him and I packed our bags. And yes, I left without facing him because I didn't have it in me..to hear the lies, or excuses, I couldn't. 

Gosh. At this moment I am bawling, heartbroken, overwhelmed, and thinking of all the things that needed to be put in order. A home, finances, the kids, sitters, transportation, etc. On top of this I am getting dozens of phone calls from my husband because at this point he knew what was happening and that he was caught. I am so mad at God now. God why, why me? I have been faithful, I have been a good wife, I have forgiven him multiple times, I have given him everything, for this? I don't get it. 

I will spare you all the in-betweens, but I did forgive him and I did stay mad at God. All of this is happening while my husband is away at an academy for his new job. After he finishes his training he gets relocated to a new city. There are packed boxes all over our living room, we are yelling at each other, again, and talking about divorce. He was tired of me bringing up the past and bringing up how I couldn't trust him. Mind you, it hadn't been that much time from his infidelity to this moment. What he didn't understand was that the healing didn't start with an "I'm sorry". He didn't understand that it wasn't just THIS mistake that got us here. It was four years of lies, four years of secrets and the healing went much more deep. 

So, fast forward, we set off to a new life in a small rural city agreeing to make our family work one last time. And that's when things changed. Not because he suddenly changed, or I suddenly started to trust him. But because WHO I started to put my trust in.

Next post will be all about what happened next. In the mean time follow me on Instagram @valeriapri_ or leave your Instagram handle below so that I can give you a follow and we can connect. Can't wait to chat more! 

Thank you for reading. 

Always, Val.